Secrets to a successful relationship
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Started by metmike - Oct. 18, 2018, 5:57 p.m.

No its not SPAM!

Now we're really moving into uncharted territory on the NTR forum.............but any topic is worth delving into if it connects with somebody in a positive way.

I would be interested in hearing from experienced veterans here on what made/makes their marriage or relationship(s) happy.

By cfdr - Oct. 19, 2018, 11:04 a.m.
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First - pick a person that you REALLY LIKE.

But, as for an existing relationship, assuming it is not like a really bad trade you are in, I would suggest thinking about it in this way.

Our brains are hard-wired, and hard-wiring is near impossible to change.  I have noticed, when trading, that I will tend to make the same mistake over and over.  I have actually gotten to laughing when I find myself making a mistake I have made previously - and I realize it while I'm doing it!

So, the only answer is to build software work-arounds to the hard-wiring of our brains.  And, it is important to realize that - these software work-arounds will fail.  They will fail more often than we might expect.  The only solution is to re-build them.

In a relationship, we should expect to see these failures in ourselves - and in our partners.  This is when it is important to have a sense of humor - and be able to laugh at ourselves.

By metmike - Oct. 19, 2018, 11:43 a.m.
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I was wondering if  this thread would  generate much interest. 

Instead, what we just got was post of the week from you!

Thanks much and this thread is still open.

By cfdr - Oct. 21, 2018, 5:07 a.m.
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Yes, I'm surprised too at no interest in this topic.

If I were to make one change to my post, I would say that more important than marrying someone who you really like is that you marry someone who really likes you.

In addition to the obvious benefit, it has the added benefit of encouraging you to live up to their expectations.

By TimNew - Oct. 21, 2018, 7:47 a.m.
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It's a great subject,  but a difficult one. I think it's proof that G/d has a very sick sense of humor that the survival of the species depends on men and women cohabitating.

That being said,  the secret to a successful relationship is work..  Lot's of hard work.  There never have been two people on this planet who could share life for decades with no effort.  

Don't get me wrong.  I don't even want to imagine my life without Patty..  But there are days that I think the only reason I haven't killed her is because I would miss her so damn much.

By cfdr - Oct. 21, 2018, 12:43 p.m.
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Divorce?  -  NEVER.

Murder?  -  maybe??

By metmike - Oct. 21, 2018, 2 p.m.
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Thanks very much for sharing these wonderful thoughts!

The objective to starting this thread, as with most of them on MarketForum is to share something positive and its done exactly that as others  tell us good stuff about what they know has worked with their relationship(s). 

I'm sure that more than cfdr and Tim have words of wisdom on this but its also a private type topic and no doubt, there are a huge number of relationships that are struggling much of the time............and those facing the challenge of those circumstances, may consider a thread like this as "rubbing salt in their wound".

However, even us in great marriages(mine is a great one-or this thread probably would have never happened)  overlook numerous situations/opportunities to make them even more rewarding and can frequently do things that are counterproductive..............but not realizing they are counterproductive.

One way to look at the situation is to ask the question: "Do I want this relationship to work?"

Since almost everybody would say YES! Then, the 2nd question is "Am I doing everything possible to make it successful?"

That 2nd question should never be "Am I doing my share?" or "Am I doing my 50%?" Expecting your partner to do their share and their half.

We hear that marriage/relationships are a 50-50 deal.  Nothing could be more false. Rarely does each person contribute exactly half.  By their nature/personality, some individuals have the capacity and mindset to give more than others. In marriage, the same holds true.  That doesn't mean the person less capable gets off the hook becaue their partner is well endowed in the giving department.  What often happens is the one giving the most is rewarded in the end with a successful marriage that results in their partner feeling good about that marriage and wanting to contribute more towards it.

Many good marriages can be 60-40 or 70-30 propositions or even 90-10, which sounds crazy.

How can a marriage be a good one if 1 person is giving 90%?

If one person loves the other one unconditionally and is capable and willing to give 90% and it DOES make the relationship work(providing the other person is not abusive or cheating and also loves their partner) what is wrong with that?

Sometimes, the 90-10 ratio happens even in the best marriages because one partner is having a temporary issue and needs to lean on the other. 

The key of course is that the marriage is still successful even with there being an unbalanced giving. A successful relationship, usually results in both parties growing together and the giving becoming more mutual.

Unsuccessful relationships often occur because one(or both) parties feel the other one is not doing their share. If one or both are actually estimating what they put into the marriage vs what their partner is putting into it, its a bad sign.

Like everything in life, if you do your best and know that YOU are doing your best based on a sincere self evaluation, then that's all you can be expected to do.